Today was my "D" day. Divorce. I hate that word. I would hate it even if it was called something else. But it cannot be escaped! Today I've been grieving for that man and woman who walked down the aisle in that bed and breakfast 9.5 years ago. They're both gone. Replaced with people with "adult" experiences and a life that led us to a direction that wasn't on my original map.
But this direction showed up on God's map for our lives because free will is a real and true thing. It is glorious and horrible. And with one choice comes many others. And so directions and roads show up where they didn't first exist. But where can they ALL lead? What does God want? Ultimately things to happen for his Glory. And so my road will lead there. In the most unexpected of ways; through something He hates. Divorce. For God's glory. If those two things don't really work together in your mind, I have an article that may be helpful (but you'd have to talk to me because I'm not sharing the link here).
I saw a saying this weekend that said "When I hit rock bottom, I found that God was the rock at the bottom." Ponder THAT! I'm going to elaborate on it. God was not only the rock at my bottom; He was the Rock who stood sturdy enough under my feet that I could STAND UP and look from that bottom vantage point and see Jesus Christ. See Jesus, not just as my Savior. But as a man. A man who loved relationships with people. A man who listened to his mother :). A man who had deep friendships; knowing some of them would lead to betrayal. A man who didn't represent peace; who WAS peace. A man who walked and talked and laughed and cried. A man who was truly present in each moment he found himself in. A man who probably didn't know the meaning of the words "not-a-good-time." A man who sometimes made people wait for things. And why did he do all of these things? Some right away and some 4 days late? Because it all pointed toward His Father. It all pointed to God. And it all pointed to love. He did it ALL out of love. And so I'm grabbing on to that love He had for people and getting off the bottom and desiring to walk this road UP, with him.
I'm going to grab on to that Jesus-love. I had some surprise visitors today who drove up here to take me to lunch. 5.5 hours each way just to take me to lunch. And tell me that today was less about doors closing and more about doors opening. That it wasn't so much an ending as it was a beginning of a new chapter. One where my identity is more about developing into my, "Child of God, Daughter of a King", self and learning who I am through HIM instead of who I am through any other person on this earth.
Twelve months ago if you would have told me that I would get divorced and GAIN confidence I would have told you were nuts. But that's what has happened. In all areas of my life (save 1, and although I will grant you it's a pretty big ONE), I am confident. I am God-confident. He's been teaching me and growing me into something I wasn't before. I hope what he's growing is a light. That gets into dark corners and makes them light up. Perhaps twelve months in the future I will even be confident in that area I'm lacking. I have faith in a God who can do that.
A God who can make beauty from ashes and crowns of gladness instead of mourning. A God who can do those things, but still encourages the mourning. Because you know what? He's sad too. Sad for lots of things down here that we have managed to muck up. But in the middle of the sadness that we cause, he looks at us, through that blood-of-Christ lens and sees us as delightful children anyway. God exists in this combination of happy-sadness and we can too. As long as we remember the direction we're heading leads us to Him.
But this direction showed up on God's map for our lives because free will is a real and true thing. It is glorious and horrible. And with one choice comes many others. And so directions and roads show up where they didn't first exist. But where can they ALL lead? What does God want? Ultimately things to happen for his Glory. And so my road will lead there. In the most unexpected of ways; through something He hates. Divorce. For God's glory. If those two things don't really work together in your mind, I have an article that may be helpful (but you'd have to talk to me because I'm not sharing the link here).
I saw a saying this weekend that said "When I hit rock bottom, I found that God was the rock at the bottom." Ponder THAT! I'm going to elaborate on it. God was not only the rock at my bottom; He was the Rock who stood sturdy enough under my feet that I could STAND UP and look from that bottom vantage point and see Jesus Christ. See Jesus, not just as my Savior. But as a man. A man who loved relationships with people. A man who listened to his mother :). A man who had deep friendships; knowing some of them would lead to betrayal. A man who didn't represent peace; who WAS peace. A man who walked and talked and laughed and cried. A man who was truly present in each moment he found himself in. A man who probably didn't know the meaning of the words "not-a-good-time." A man who sometimes made people wait for things. And why did he do all of these things? Some right away and some 4 days late? Because it all pointed toward His Father. It all pointed to God. And it all pointed to love. He did it ALL out of love. And so I'm grabbing on to that love He had for people and getting off the bottom and desiring to walk this road UP, with him.
I'm going to grab on to that Jesus-love. I had some surprise visitors today who drove up here to take me to lunch. 5.5 hours each way just to take me to lunch. And tell me that today was less about doors closing and more about doors opening. That it wasn't so much an ending as it was a beginning of a new chapter. One where my identity is more about developing into my, "Child of God, Daughter of a King", self and learning who I am through HIM instead of who I am through any other person on this earth.
Twelve months ago if you would have told me that I would get divorced and GAIN confidence I would have told you were nuts. But that's what has happened. In all areas of my life (save 1, and although I will grant you it's a pretty big ONE), I am confident. I am God-confident. He's been teaching me and growing me into something I wasn't before. I hope what he's growing is a light. That gets into dark corners and makes them light up. Perhaps twelve months in the future I will even be confident in that area I'm lacking. I have faith in a God who can do that.
A God who can make beauty from ashes and crowns of gladness instead of mourning. A God who can do those things, but still encourages the mourning. Because you know what? He's sad too. Sad for lots of things down here that we have managed to muck up. But in the middle of the sadness that we cause, he looks at us, through that blood-of-Christ lens and sees us as delightful children anyway. God exists in this combination of happy-sadness and we can too. As long as we remember the direction we're heading leads us to Him.
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