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Broken

Most of this is from a post I didn't publish publicly back on March 6th. Apparently that was the last day I broke. As it happened again this Monday, I was searching for a quote from Ann Voskamp and found my own words from March:
It was like my heart was choking. It couldn't breathe. And because it couldn't breathe; I couldn't breathe. So I fell apart and cried and I couldn't put myself back together again. Not even with all the King's men. Not right away.
Ann Voskamp says it best: "Old scars can break open like fresh wounds and your unspoken broken can start to rip you wide open and maybe the essence of all the questions is: how in the holy name of God do you live with your one broken heart?"
Heartbreak is a tricky thing. It sounds from the word like it could be a "once and done" kind of a thing. Like once your heart is broken, it simply IS broken, so it can't happen again (until, over time, it heals). However, even before it heals, it can break again. Re-broken, if you will. Until it feels like what was once was your heart is now a thousand little pieces floating around like plasma (thank you cc!) just trying to hold its shape.
So, how do you fix it? I don't think you can. Not by yourself. Not with all the self-empowerment books in the world. I think you fix it by loving God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. My new favorite Beatitude is Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. For they WILL BE SATISFIED." I think they will also be fixed...
When I seek God's approval, it means I am seeking Him. His wisdom. His rules. His love. His Spirit. His grace. That is what I hunger and thirst for.
Well friends, I seem to have forgotten this wisdom that I had back in March. I haven't been seeking Him like that! And Monday I broke again. After what I'm calling heartbreaks 101 and 102, I was done. Feeling like I had broken officially. Curious what God was going to build from the pieces. And I think part of what he is building I had glimpsed back in March. I need to seek Him. I need to let him take the pieces of my broken heart, put them back together, add some new ones and pray that He is the glue. 
I still trust that the Lord has this. Because he DOES have this. His "having" though, looks a lot different than our "wanting." How do the two line up? This having / wanting come together?
What I learned from Monday is pretty huge for me: I am learning you have to be okay with the breaking.  If you try to hold yourself together; God can't redesign those pieces. He can't "have" you, or your situation, if you won't let go. So even though it stinks and you may cry until your eyes look ridiculous and your nose is horrid. Break. Let God put you back together, piece by piece. Let Him throw out the pieces you don't need anymore. Let him take the broken away. Let him add some new things. Let HIM do whatever He must. Let him have this situation, whatever it is, so that you can learn to want what He wants for your life. Seek His approval and His desire so you can be satisfied.
Right now, friend, I am praying for the broken, and the ones that need to break. And I know so many of them. Broken by marriages that ended. Broken by health issues. Broken by financial struggles. Broken by questions. Broken now. Or ready to be. That's okay my loves. Break. He has you. 




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