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Hunger and Thirst

On Saturday, I tried to explain to my son how my heart feels when I myself feel in tune with the Holy Spirit. It feels full, almost to bursting. It's happy. I can't help but smile when I feel it. This usually occurs when I'm singing worship tunes in the car, at church, or really focused in the morning...It's been happening more and more and I love it. It reminds me of the "high" if you will, I used to get at music concerts with all those people, singing the same thing, feeling totally in tune with each other. This being in tune with my creator is exponentially better :) 

 But it's not a constant. I would LOVE for it to be constant.

 Sunday, however, unexpectedly, I had a mini panic attack. It was like my heart was choking. It couldn't breathe. And because it couldn't breathe; I couldn't breathe. So I fell apart and cried and I couldn't put myself back together again. Not even with all the King's men. Not right away. 

 Ann Voskamp says it best: "Old scars can break open like fresh wounds and your unspoken broken can start to rip you wide open and maybe the essence of all the questions is: how in the holy name of God do you live with your one broken heart?" 

 Heartbreak is a tricky thing. It sounds from the word like it could be a "once and done" kind of a thing. Like once your heart is broken, it simply IS broken, so it can't happen again (until, over time, it heals). However, even before it heals, it can break again. Re-broken, if you will. Until it feels like what was once was your heart is now a thousand little pieces floating around like plasma (thank you cc!) just trying to hold its shape.

 So, how do you fix it? I don't think you can. Not by yourself. Not with all the self-empowerment books in the world. I think you fix it by loving God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. My new favorite Beatitude is Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. For they WILL BE SATISFIED." I think they will also be fixed...

 When I seek God's approval, it means I am seeking Him. His wisdom. His rules. His love. His Spirit. His grace. That is what I hunger and thirst for. 

 To circle back around; I don't know that me being in tune with the Holy Spirit can be a constant until I am constantly seeking. Praising. Petitioning. Praying. Remembering to always be prepared so that the re-heartbreak doesn't happen as often. Putting on the armor of God in the morning so that I'm ready for the world. Because, let me tell you, the world doesn't care if I'm ready for it. It's coming. From a thousand different angles. And those angles of the world can penetrate to the core; unless my defenses are up and I'm not seeking its approval. Unless I'm hungering and thirsting for something else. Something that promises to be Sustaining. Forever. 

 Friends, let's hunger and thirst for God and be satisfied. 

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